Thursday, 1 May 2014


I can almost conclude that I'm at the turning point in my life. Everything's changing drastically. My life, my goals, my dreams, my everything.

I just couldn't find the reason why. It's probably because, finally, after 6 years, I'm leaving college. I'm leaving a big part of my life behind me. And while I am writing this, I'm listening to Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten." How emotional. 

It's probably because I've met some wonderful people in my life that I feel so committed to move forward and leave the past behind. 

Or, it's probably because I'm moving out too soon, away from my family. It's just a matter of time before I become fully independent.

Sometimes, I question myself, "Is there a need to change?" "Is there a need to leave the past behind?" I have been happy. I went through the happiest part of my life. But it didn't feel climactic. It didn't give me the bliss that I think I deserve. I feel that I am missing something in my life, and I've been missing it unconsciously. I am not satisfied. Oh damn. 

I am craving for a euphoric moment. I don't know how or where to find it. I can almost say that "I'm lost." I'm not bored, hell no. I just honestly think that I'm lost. I think I have to leave some people behind. Relationship, maybe. More than 2 years have passed without me noticing that things have changed differently. I have had this unrealistic idea that everything is pure bliss. That I'm lucky to "have it all". Actually, I am not. I've never been lucky because I missed a big part of my life. I haven't reflected upon myself, my thoughts, my being.  I unknowingly controlled my life for the past 2 years. 

I can't remember the last time I cried, but I remember how it felt. The pain was indescribable that I felt I was restrained for a long time. It's only a matter of time before I can free myself again. It's only a matter of time. And when that time comes, I'll thank him. I'll thank you. I'll thank myself for going through all this confusion. 

I feel guilty for having my own dreams and goals. I feel so guilty having you around and not spend a day to be with you. I feel so guilty being this too-independent-no-one-can-decide-for-me type of girl. I have loved you more than I could ever love someone. I went beyond my limits. I don't know. This time, I am ambivalent. All I know is, I want to travel more, discover myself and be free. I want to see the things I haven't seen yet.